Right off the bat, the first skill is self-care. How awesome is that? This skill is about realizing that only you can make yourself happy. And you should stop relying on your husband to do that. If you take the time to take care of yourself, you’ll be much more pleasant to be around and people (namely your husband) will be more inclined to take care of you too.

This section emphasizes making time for self care even when that seems like the last thing you should be doing. This section also teaches us how to honor our desires. Our deepest desires. Even if they don’t seem possible. Often we don’t even allow ourselves to desire something before dismissing it. But part of self care is giving thought and honor to your desires. You are important. Your wants and needs are important.

One thing that stood out to me in this section is that a lot of times when we think we’re simply expressing desires, it might not sound like that to our husbands. Laura used an example where she saw an add for dancing lessons and she said “We should take a ballroom dancing class again.” And her husband groaned and showed no interest. “We should…” also means “you should” which implies that there is something wrong with the current situation and he and should make a change.

However, if she had said “I would love to take ballroom dance again.” (expressing her true, pure desire without expectation), he might jump on the chance to make his wife happy! This gives him the freedom and power to please her.

My first thought when I read this example was that I usually feel bad if I know Pearson is just going along with something because he knows it’s what I want. Whenever we’re in that situation we end up not doing whatever it was because I insist I don’t want to anymore. But this book helped me realize that maybe that’s worse than letting him make me happy in this way. In those situations I feel like such an inconvenience, but maybe he really just wants to make me happy and that would make him happy too.

Laura suggest if you’re having a hard time expressing your pure desire, then try to get to the why. Maybe you’re trying to get your husband to save more money. Why? Because you want to travel. Where do you want to travel to? To Disney World! Ok so try “I would love to go to Disney World after you graduate!” He will be more inclined to want to save up for Disney World than if you just say “I want to save more money.” Or worse, “We should be saving more money.” See the difference?

And one last thought in this section, express desires instead of complaining. The phrase, “I am so sick of this heat” sounds so negative and whiny. But if you rephrase it “I would love to cool off,” you’re more likely to get a response, right? I bet when you read it you already started thinking of ways to cool off; go to the pool, find a place with air conditioning, get some ice cream etc. Much better than sitting around complaining about the situation, right?

But when you think about it, your husband knows what’s best for his own life. Yes you are part of that and you are invested, but you only know so much about what’s best for him. And remember, as I mentioned earlier, you can’t make your husband do anything. Getting to really listen to his wants, needs, and fears while making him feel respected is far more rewarding than always “being right” and inserting your opinions.

It’s hard to let go of our control (or our perceived control) but when we fully trust our husband’s opinions and decisions, it’s truly empowering. After all, he is an adult human. He’s made it this far in life. I think he’d be making it just fine without you. So why not trust his judgement and let him make decisions for himself?

And one way to get there is to fake it till you make it. So the next time your husband asks you what he should do, say “Whatever you think” and when he tells you something you don’t agree with, you don’t have to voice that you don’t agree. A simple “I hear you” will suffice. This tells him that you trust his judgement.

Now that doesn’t mean you can’t have opinions. You should respect him and use these phrases on things that effect him (i.e. his job). And maybe even things that effect both of you (i.e. how you pay the bills). But if he is truly asking your opinion (i.e. where do you want to eat?), answer him. If you truly don’t care, don’t say “Whatever you want” (remember, he wants to please you). Instead, say “Why don’t you surprise me?” It always comes back to him wanting to please you, but he needs to do that with his pride in tact and feel respected in the process.

Laura suggests asking yourself these four questions whenever you find yourself trying to control a situation:

1. What am I afraid of?
2. Is my fear realistic?
3. Can I actually control the situation?
4. Is it worth the intimacy it would cost me to control?

Things that are on your paper: how you dress, what you say, what tone of voice you use, your attitude, which websites you visit, who you talk to, where you go to eat, how much sleep you get, and whether or not you floss.

As for things on your husbands paper that do effect you, ask yourself the four questions above. And also try to get to your true desire beneath whatever you’re trying to control.

Again, it basically all comes down to trusting your husband to know what’s best for his own life. And convincing yourself that you cannot control him so you might as well stop trying.

Think about it, if you put a lot of thought and effort into a gift for someone and they simply dismiss it, are you going to want to spend the time, money, and energy to get them a thoughtful gift in the future? No. But if they received it with grace, excitement, and gratitude, you’ll likely look for more excuses to give to that person in the future.

It’s easier said than done though, right? For me, it’s hard to accept a compliment. If someone tells me they like my dress, I either immediately tell them I got it on sale or I look for something to compliment them on to sort of “even the playing field.” But that’s not how it works. Simply accepting the compliment makes you seem more confident and also validates what the person said. This goes against everything I’ve ever thought I knew.

Another thing I’m very guilty of is not accepting help. Even from my husband! How terrible is that?

But what about when you receive a gift you hate? What if your husband buys you something hideous or simply not very romantic or it’s the wrong size?

Well, first of all, if a friend or acquaintance did this, you would find something nice to say “I’ve never seen one of these before! Thanks” or “What a beautiful color!” Those sound cheesy, but you get the picture. Why should your husband be any different? You’re not lying. You’re just being kind and grateful. You do appreciate the gesture, right?

And secondly, consider the thought your husband put into the gift. Maybe it’s not the romantic piece of jewelry you were expecting, but rather something practical that he noticed you could use to make your life easier. You deserve those things too. Appreciate them!

I have a personal story about this section. And it still makes me sad to remember how I handled the situation…

This past Christmas, Pearson bought me a new Chromebook. Mine was almost 3 years old and running super slow. I had complained about it a lot and he decided I deserved a new one for Christmas. Well when I found out he spent $300 on a gift for me I got mad and told him to cancel the order. We can’t afford to spend that much money on a stupid Chromebook right now when we’re trying to buy Christmas presents for our families and have enough for our holiday travels!

I’ll give you one guess what happened next. Well, he cancelled the order and we fought. It was a huge thing and I handled it completely wrong! I should have trusted that Pearson knew how to handle our finances and would make it work. I should have graciously accepted this gift from my thoughtful husband.

Where would we be now if I had done that? Well we’d have $300 less in or bank account. But we wouldn’t have fought and “lost intimacy” as Laura would say. And I’d be typing this on a much faster, nicer, and newer Chromebook. Sigh.

*Disclaimer (written 3/28/2021): I still believe I handled the situation incorrectly in the story above. But I also don’t think I necessarily should have just smiled and accepted the gift. I truly didn’t think it was worth the money at the time. So what I should have done instead is communicate what I was thinking in a respectful way. I should have expressed how much I appreciate his thoughtfulness but that I wasn’t sure about buying something for myself at that moment when I had a computer that I could use. We could have sat down and talked about it and maybe decided to wait a couple months or use money we might get for Christmas etc. Or maybe we would have decided it was actually worth it to go ahead and purchase. But the point is we should have decided together. My feelings should have been taken into account and he should have been able to express his thought process as well.

Some examples Laura uses at the beginning of this section are:

Start by admitting when you’re hurt instead of defending yourself.

Instead of saying “You’re never home,” try saying “I miss you.”

Instead of trying to do it all, when you’re overwhelmed, say “I can’t” or “I need help.”

Instead of trying to figure everything out yourself, ask for advice when you’re not sure what to do.

-Laura Doyle, The Empowered Wife Skill #5, Reveal Your Heart with Vulerability (pg. 173).

See? It is scary. It’s easier and feels more safe to blame others and make things about them. It feels more safe to do things for yourself and not admit you need help. But that’s a great way to crush intimacy in your relationship. Your husband wants to help you. Let him.