I get it. When you’ve been with your partner for a long time, it can feel like you know everything there is to know about them. And when you live in the same house and sleep in the same bed, you may think there are no more surprises.

But I want you to know that there are more surprises! People are always changing. We experience life. We mature and grow. Our opinions change. Our wants and needs change. We react to the ever evolving world around us. We go through different stages of life.

This is natural. It’s healthy. If we’re truly experiencing life and keeping an open mind, we should constantly be changing. But what does this mean for our marriage?

It means we will either change together as a couple, or we’ll change separately and grow apart.

I’m not saying our thoughts, opinions, wants, and needs should be exactly the same as our spouse’s. I’m not saying we have to change in the same way at the same time, nor am I saying our reactions to the world around us need to be identical. That would make for a boring marriage and is a whole other story!

What I am saying is that we should always be learning about the other person. There is always more to learn. Constantly. We can’t just assume because our partner felt a certain way about a specific issue when we first got married that they still feel that way today. This is where we start getting into trouble.

The same concept is true for any part of a marriage. Maybe your hobbies have changed. Or maybe your preferences in the bedroom have changed. Something you enjoyed in the past might not sound like fun anymore. This is something you need to constantly learn about each other!

I can’t tell you how many times my husband has gotten mad at me because I assumed I knew exactly what was going on in his head. He’d be lost in thought or upset about something and I assumed it was the same old thoughts he seems to have. So I’d either ignore it or roll my eyes at it and he would, understandably, get irritated because I just assumed I was inside his head. I wasn’t.

Of course, the first way to learn about your spouse is to communicate with them. Have conversations. Ask them questions that delve deeper than just “How was your day?” and “What time do the kids need to be at such-and-such?” Here are some questions to get started.

You can also benefit from a weekly couples meeting (or “couple check-in” as I like to call them). You set aside a specific time per week where you sit down and talk. You’ll talk about your schedules for the coming week, as well as how you’re each doing mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. And lastly, you’ll discuss your relationship and how you can be doing better as a couple.

And finally, you can take a personality test together like the Meyers-Briggs test. Or better yet, take the 5 Love Languages quiz. Then read through each of your results and discuss them. Different people have different personalities and different ways in which they show love. And these things can change over time so it helps to take the quizzes at different stages in life and learn about yourself and your spouse.

The next way to learn about your spouse is through observation. If we simply pay attention to the words and actions of our partner, we can learn so much. How did they react to the problem they had at work last week? How are they handling the bad news their mom called with this morning? How are they responding to your acts of love?

Have their actions changed over the years? Was something they did or said recently surprising to you? Again, people change. When your spouse does or says something you weren’t expecting, take note. Learn their emotions. And after observing this, maybe even ask them about it.

Of course you can’t learn about your spouse if you don’t listen to them. I think listening is a lost art in our society today. We’re always so distracted. We have so much on our minds. I know there are times when my husband talks to me but I’m thinking about my blog or social media or what I need to do for dinner etc. Even if I don’t have my phone with me and the TV isn’t on, I’m still not all there.

But listening to our partner is so important! As I mentioned earlier, sometimes I assume I know what’s going on in my husband’s head. But he wants me to listen to what he’s going through anyway. Even if I was right about it, it’s important to him for me to listen.

So put everything else out of your mind when you talk with your spouse. And listen to empathize, not to argue or counteract. The point is to learn about their thoughts and emotions and to understand where they’re coming from. Not to correct them or shame them for feeling a certain way.

And lastly, apply what you learn. When you’re arguing or when your spouse is having a bad day, think about what you’ve learned and use that to comfort them. Likewise, next time you notice your partner is in a really good mood, think about why this is and try to recreate the atmosphere as much as possible.

The other day, my husband came home in a bad mood because of something that happened at work. In response to this, I tried to stay out of his way and started making his lunch for the next day. Then I remembered that his primary love language is Physical Touch, not Acts of Service. So I abandoned my post in the kitchen and went to cuddle with him on the couch. Before I knew it, his mood had changed and we had a much more enjoyable evening!

Never stop learning about your spouse. The benefits are endless. Personally, I like to believe that I’m constantly working toward a PhD in my husband. It can be hard work to study so much but I enjoy every little piece of information I learn about that wonderful man!

What have you learned about your spouse lately?
Thanks for reading!