I’ve been blogging about marriage since 2013. Over the years I’ve learned a lot and shared a lot of marriage advice. Now I’m sure you’ve heard a lot of marriage and relationship advice on the internet. Things like, go on regular dates, speak your spouse’s love language, and find hobbies to do together. But today I want to talk about some more unconventional marriage advice.

Maybe some of these will make you stop and think. I truly believe people can and should focus on their marriages a lot more than they do. Building a happy marriage is possible and totally worth the effort needed.

So without further adieu, let’s get into the unconventional advice!

10 Pieces of Unconventional Marriage Advice

ONE || Go to Bed Angry

You know the old adage “never go to bed angry,” right? I totally get what they’re saying; You shouldn’t hold a grudge against your spouse. You aren’t promised tomorrow. And besides, when you’re angry, you won’t sleep well. Going to bed angry just isn’t good for anyone.

Here’s the thing though. Sometimes it’s late and you’re tired and you’re irrationally angry and irritable. Some sleep might put you in a better frame of mind. “Sleep on it” is a popular phrase for a reason. Besides, some issues can’t be resolved in a night anyway. You can’t just lie awake all night because you refuse to go to bed angry, right?

So next time you’re mad at each other late at night, try turning off the lights anyway. Make sure your spouse knows you still love them and that you still want to work this out, but that can happen tomorrow.

Related: When You Start Threatening Your Husband {How To Argue In Marriage}

TWO || Find Separate Hobbies

I feel like a lot of people tell couples to find hobbies to do together. And that’s totally important! Recreational intimacy is essential to a happy marriage. But we can sometimes forget to cultivate our own separate hobbies.

It’s very important for spouses to remain their own person instead of getting completely lost in their relationship. (The same goes for motherhood and other parts of life but that’s a post for another time.) Sure you love your partner and you want to enjoy doing things together. But it’s important you spend time apart too.

Related: When You Get Tired Of Your Spouse During Isolation

THREE || Take Care of Yourself

I’m sure by now you know it’s important to take care of yourself. It seems like everybody and their mother preaches self-care on the internet these days. But I’m willing to bet you don’t see it that often in the context of marriage advice.

The truth is, you cannot be a good spouse if you don’t take care of yourself. *insert cheesy phrase here (“you can’t pour from an empty cup,” “It’s not selfish to love yourself” etc)* But seriously, take care of yourself!

Related: When Your Self-Care Routing Looks Different

FOUR || Prioritize your Marriage Above your Kids

I think this one is very triggering for people. Yes your children are very important. Yes they often need your undivided attention and deserve the best of you. But hear me out. Your marriage should come first.

A strong and happy marriage is the foundation of your family. Your kids should see their parents loving and respecting each other. They’ll see that your marriage means a lot to you and know that’s how it should be.

Putting your marriage first doesn’t mean you neglect your kids. There will certainly be stages in life when your children have to take up more of your time, energy, money etc. But even in those times, you should not ignore your marriage. Make a point to connect every day. Schedule dates. Check in regularly. Schedule getaways. Do little things for each other.

Related: 5 Ways Make Your Marriage A Top Priority

FIVE || Don’t try to be the Perfect Wife

Guess what. You are not perfect. And you will never get there. And if your partner is smart, they know and understand that. Some people might tell you that you should still strive for perfection. And that’s all well and good. I get their intention. But I don’t agree.

It’s all about giving yourself grace. I used to be a perfectionist and it showed up in my relationships the most because I’m also a people pleaser. I’m an ISFJ and a Hufflepuff. So when I would get something wrong in my role as a daughter, sister, friend, or wife, it crushed me! I’ve spent a lot of my life regretting things I’ve done or said and ultimately considering myself a complete failure when in reality I was just a normal, flawed human being.

Once I let go of the “perfect wife” expectation, everything changed. And guess what! The image in my head of what a perfect wife looked like wasn’t even what Pearson would picture a perfect wife to look like. So why was I holding myself to these silly, impossible standards?

Related: Perfect Wife Perception (From Amberly of A Prioritized Marriage)

SIX || It’s Okay to ‘need’ your Spouse

Our society tells us that we have to be strong and independent women. Now don’t get me wrong, I completely agree with that. In fact, I don’t need a man. I don’t. And neither do you. But once you’re in a committed relationship with someone, it’s okay to “need” your partner.

Once upon a time I would hold my emotions back from Pearson because I didn’t want to seem clingy. I wouldn’t tell him that I missed him when we were apart. Especially for the 4-5 months we were long distance during our engagement. I would strategically time my text messages so he didn’t get overwhelmed. I’d even challenge myself to see how long I could go without contacting him and see if he’d contact me first.

Crazy, right? It’s okay to need your spouse. You love each other and are in a committed relationship. You can want and need them to comfort you. You can miss them when you’re not apart. And guess what! At the same time, you can be independent and not “need” just any man in your life. They aren’t mutually exclusive.

Related: It’s Perfectly Okay To Need Your Spouse

SEVEN || Speak your Own Love Language

Every marriage “expert” out there preaches about speaking your spouse’s Love Language, right? Yes learning, understanding, and speaking the language that your spouse speaks naturally is so important. But so is speaking your own love language!

Think about it. If English is your native language but your spouse grew up speaking Spanish, you’re not going to only speak each other’s language to each other, right? You’ll hopefully both speak a little English and a little Spanish. You’ll respect your differences, learn each other’s languages, and come up with some kind of combination that you both are comfortable with. Otherwise one spouse could feel excluded and start to resent the other.

So speak your own love language sometimes. And do so intentionally. Yes it will probably come naturally but take the time to plan it out sometimes too.

Related: The Love Language category on my blog

EIGHT || Marriage should be 60%/40%

I know we’ve all heard the old adage that marriage isn’t 50%/50% but rather 100%/100%. Again, I understand and even sort of agree with the sentiment. But when my friend Brita posted about the 60%/40% rule several years ago, I thought it was genius!

Basically, when it comes to any aspect of your marriage; household chores, romance, speaking each other’s love languages, compromising on smaller things; you pull 60% of the weight and expect 40% from your spouse. And then your spouse does the same thing from their end. The overlap in the middle allows for our own biases.

If you truly keep this mindset throughout your relationship, it allows you to speak up when your spouse truly isn’t pulling their weight but not when it just appears like that to you. Does that make sense? Of course this looks totally different in every relationship, but I think a simple shift of the numbers in your mind helps a lot!

Related: The Single Best Piece of Marriage Advice I’ve Ever Received (from Brita of Belle Brita)

NINE || Don’t put on a Show

There have been many times in my life where I catch myself putting on a show. I act like nothing is wrong and I’m fine when I’m really not. I grin and bare it. I fake it till I make it. I basically slap a smile on my face and put my acting skills to the test.

The problem is, when you do this in front of your spouse, you’re blocking opportunities for true intimacy. When you can’t be open and honest and vulnerable with your spouse, who can you do that with? I always thought I would be a nuisance to my husband if I burdened him with all my issues. But it turns out when I do open up to him, it always brings us closer and strengthens our relationship.

TEN || Don’t Treat your Spouse how you Want to be Treated

You now the golden rule, right? Treat others the way you would want to be treated. But I want to challenge you to use the platinum rule: Treat others the way they would want to be treated. I can’t take credit for coming up with this on my own. I first heard it from Bubba Page, husband of Jordan Page of Fun, Cheap or Free.

But isn’t it brilliant? So simple but so profound. People have different personalities, needs, wants, and love languages, so sometimes if you treat someone the way you want to be treated, it’s still not the best way to treat them. Does that make sense? Speaking your spouse’s primary love language falls under this rule. You could also compromise on something you want to do in favor of something your partner wants instead. There are a lot of ways you could practice the platinum rule in your marriage. Get creative and I know your spouse will appreciate it!

Related: The Platinum Rule

So tell me, did any of these surprise you? What are some pieces of unconventional marriage advice that have helped in your marriage?
Thanks for reading!