I’m a member of a wonderful group of married bloggers who are committed to their marriage and want to help each other strengthen their relationships with their husbands. Every quarter, we read and discuss a book about marriage and in between the book reading, we sometimes talk about marriage related articles and blog posts. A couple months ago, one of the members shared this article. She didn’t write it, she just found it and shared it with us wondering what we all thought about it. Well, I have a few thoughts about it. And I don’t want to bash the author or disrespect her in any way. I just don’t agree with her and I thought I’d share on here because, after all, this is my blog and I can write what I want, right?

Anyway, if you clicked on the link, then you know the article is titled “I waited until my wedding night to lose my virginity and I wish I hadn’t.” Wait, what? Have you ever met anyone who waited and regretted it?? I sure haven’t!

The first point Jane makes is that when she was ten years old, she took a pledge at church to stay pure till marriage. She says ten was too young for this. I agree with her here. I didn’t have “the talk” with my parents until I was about to have “the talk” (aka video about periods) at school. That was 5th grade. I was either 10 or 11. I think that may have been a good time to talk about sex at some level because some people hit puberty at about that time. But I don’t think her church should have had her take a pledge about staying a virgin until marriage. Maybe that would be more appropriate in a junior high or high school class, but definitely not in 4th grade.

The next point she makes is that the church taught her that “sex was for married people. Extramarital sex was sinful and dirty and I would go to Hell if I did it.” Well, yes. Sex outside of marriage is a sin. Plain and simple. If you don’t believe me, read Acts 15:20, 1 Corinthians 6:13 & 18, and lots of other scriptures. If you’re not sure that two unmarried people having sex is considered sexual immorality, read 1 Corinthians 7:2.

However, if her church really worded things this way saying she would “go to Hell” if she had sex before marriage, I’m not so sure that was the right way to go about things. There is such a thing as repentance and forgiveness. We even have an example of Jesus forgiving a woman for doing this very sin while he was here on earth! (John 8:2-11). Frankly, I think the church leaders were just trying (and probably succeeding) to scar the young girls into staying pure.

What Jane says next in the article breaks my heart. She was taught in her church that as a girl, she had the responsibility to stay pure for her future husband but that boys did not have that same responsibility. Wait, what? Could someone please show me where this is presented in the Bible? Both men and women are commanded to abstain from sexual immorality. I honestly have no idea where Jane’s church came up with this. If you have a clue where they might have gotten this idea, please share! I was taught that sex outside of marriage was bad and it was important for me to stay pure but it was also important to find a boyfriend and possible future husband who would stay pure till marriage as well.

Jane’s language for the next couple paragraphs is pretty strong. She was told that if she didn’t remain pure, her marriage would “fall apart and end in tragic divorce.” Well, maybe statistically people who have sex before marriage end up divorced more often that people who don’t. And yes God doesn’t like sexual immorality. It’s a sin. But tragic divorce isn’t a consequence that God rains down on everybody who commits adultery.

The last day of our honeymoon in The Bahamas right before leaving for the airport.

After that, she talks about how her pledge to remain pure was so public and so admirable. Everybody knew she was a virgin. She was proud of that. You know what, my virginity was no secret either. But I didn’t consider it a huge accomplishment. I mean sure it may be more and more difficult to stay pure in our society these days, but I was simply following the Lords commandments to the best of my ability. I was not placed on a pedestal of any sort nor did I think I should have been.

Jane talks about coming back from her honeymoon and not wanting to look anyone in the eye because they knew she wasn’t a virgin anymore. Well, me too. And I didn’t care. Nothing changed. Yeah when I thought about it too hard, it was a little awkward with certain people like maybe my parents. And yes some of my friends made jokes (and they decorated our car with no inhibitions). But it wasn’t a big deal.

The worst part of this whole thing to me is the fact that she felt dirty after having sex with her husband. She felt soiled and tarnished and not special anymore. This is completely unscriptural. Sex within marriage is beautiful. It’s not dirty. And she was certainly just as special as she was before. Maybe even more so in some ways because she had become one with her husband in the way God intended!

Jane felt dirty and tarnished because of the way her church leaders taught (or at least the way she perceived) that sex is bad. That aspect was emphasized and not enough was said about how wonderful and beautiful sex can be with your spouse. I was very fortunate to grow up in a church and a family that never hid the fact that sex was blessed by God. As I got older, I had teachers and mentors in college who reiterated that fact. Pearson and I kept an open dialog about sex and abstinence while we dated. And when got engaged, we read books by Christian authors about which allowed for more dialog and comfort on the topic.

Sex is a beautiful thing. God made it that way. But he only meant for it to be shared between two people in the most intimate and sacred relationship of marriage. I truly believe this is for our own good. Sleeping around or even sleeping with just one person before the commitment of marriage is in place can cause a lot of pain and heartache.

I can see where Jane was coming from and how it wasn’t all her fault that she felt the way she did about sex. But I do not believe the answer was for her to leave her faith and encourage others to do whatever they want with their sexuality. I think the answer is to teach young men and women that sex is absolutely beautiful and wonderful if done the way God wants it.

I want to know your thoughts! And if you have any questions about anything I’ve said or why I believe anything here, please don’t hesitate to ask!
Thanks for reading!