This month in our Meaningful Marriage Book Study we read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I really enjoyed this book and there is just so much to think about. I wanna share everything I learned and it really should probably be more than one post but I am going to try to keep it to one for now.
Table of Contents
Our Love Languages:
So here are mine and Pearson’s love languages in order from our most to least prominent…
My languages (in order):
Quality Time
Physical Touch
Acts of Service
Words of Affirmation
Receiving Gifts
Pearson’s Languages (in order):
Quality Time
Physical Touch
Words of Affirmation
Acts of Service
Receiving Gifts
So the only difference is that words of Affirmation and Acts of Service are switched! Cool! That means I don’t have much work, right? Everything should come naturally! Wrong! Just because something is my primary love language doesn’t mean it is easy for me to speak it to Pearson. It just simply means that is the way I read love the best.
I think these lists are so interesting because when we took the test a few years ago while dating, Quality Time was at like number 3 for both of us. I think it changed mostly because we don’t spend near as much quality time together as we did back then. We used to sit on a swing on the Front Lawn (Harding is known for it’s white bench swings all over the “Front Lawn” or quad, if you will) for hours just talking. But now we don’t have time for that. And honestly we probably didn’t really have time for it back then, but we were ‘in-love’ which brings me to my next point.
The ‘in-love’ experience:
This is such a cool concept to me. I always knew things change after marriage and that people fall “out of love”, but I had no idea the infatuation usually lasts only 2 years. That means Pearson and I were back to reality after high school! I told Pearson this and he reminded me that we broke up during our freshman year of college! Anyway, so many people think that when the ‘in-love’ experience is over then the Marriage is to. No! You just have to be more intentional about your love.
*If were being honest I should tell you that I didn’t have time to read the entire book, so I made sure to read the intro chapters and the conclusion chapters. Of the language chapters I read Quality Time because that is Pearson’s primary language and Words of Affirmation because it is higher on Pearson’s list than mine so I thought I could use a little more help there than on the others.
Words of Affirmation:
Words of Affirmation is split into several different “dialects.” The first is simply giving compliments. The next on is encouraging words. To “encourage” is defined as to “inspire courage,” meaning you support your spouse and push him towards things he wants to achieve. Next is kind words. If something negative needs to be said, it can still be done in a kind way. And lastly, there’s humble words with which one makes requests of their spouse, not demands.
Chapman gives several suggestions in his book for people who want to work on using words of affirmation to express love to their spouse. One of those ways was to make a list of affirming words you can say to your spouse in general and ones that you can praise him with that are specifically for him. Chapman also said to keep adding to it as you hear other people encouraging each other. I have started a list but I am not going to share the specifics on here. Especially since Pearson reads this blog!
Quality Time:
Quality Time is defined as giving someone your undivided attention, which does not mean sitting on the couch and watching TV. This time can be spent in conversation or it can be spent doing a quality activity that one or both of you enjoy.
On page 56, Chapman says “When I sit with my wife and give her twenty minutes of my undivided attention and she does the same for me, we are giving each other twenty minutes of life. We will never have those twenty minutes again; we are giving our lives to each other. It’s a powerful emotional communication of love.” Wow! That is so powerful. It really made me think. Isn’t my husband worth more of my life than TV or the internet is. Yes! One of my goals next month is to not do something else {such as check my social media} while Pearson is trying to talk to me. He should have all of my attention. But I’ll talk more about that on Monday for the marriage and relationship goals linkup.
One thing that really stood out to me is that part of spending quality time with someone and sharing in quality conversation is that you have to share as well as listen. I am a pretty good listener (or so I like to believe) but I am not so good at the sharing part. If something is upsetting me, I would much rather keep quiet about it. It isn’t a big deal and isn’t worth bothering Pearson with. I have always known it bothers him when I don’t tell him things but I still didn’t see the point in sharing. Chapman made me realize how important it is to share. He says that if Pearson’s primary love language is quality time and his dialect is quality conversation, then his love tank will never be full until I open up to him. To someone who really values quality time, that quality time is not over until both parties have shared and listened. You know, I feel like such a hypocrite. I always want to know what’s going on with him and I want him to open up to me, but I never think it is important enough for me to open up to him.
Chapman also suggests to make a list (he must like lists) of things you can do with your spouse to spend more quality time together. Which I have done as well and will not be sharing as well. 🙂
Conclusion:
Chapman says that our actions precede our emotions. He uses waking up to an alarm clock in the morning as an example. When the alarm goes off, you do not feel like getting out of bed and starting you day (at least I don’t). You are not happy about having to get ready for work or school. But you make yourself take action and roll out of bed and usually by the end of the day you are glad you did and you’re feeling pretty good about getting up. It’s the same with love. If you make yourself do actions of love for another person even when you don’t feel like loving them, eventually the feeling will come back. Pretty cool stuff, huh?
Wow. I think this may be the longest post I have ever written. But I just had to get it all out there. I really liked this book and there is just so much to think about. So sorry for the long post though, and I don’t blame you if you didn’t read it all. But if you did, THANK YOU!
What do you think your primary love language is? Have you read the 5 Love Languages? Were there any surprises?
One thing I think about falling in love and staying in love is that “falling” feels accidental, and “staying” is intentional. As such, we have a responsibility to care about nurturing and respecting the relationship and each other. I think recognizing each person’s language is a helpful tool to that point.
Amen! I absolutely agree with everything you’ve said!
I was just reading through some articles on the big Catholic marriage website last night and they looked at another book that said the same about love…you’d think such common sense truth shouldn’t need stating but I’m afraid even I have had situations when I felt the falling in love part gone and was left asking “what now?”. This culture of self-fulfilment at all costs all around us really is insidious…
Yeah I think a lot of marriage problems can point back to the culture self-fulfillment at all costs. That’s a great way to put it. I think it’s not very trendy to rely on your partner for anything anymore and that can leave spouses feeling unimportant, unwanted, and unloved.
I’ll admit, one of the things that I never quite understood firsthand from Chapman’s book is the idea that the romantic, dizzy, heady “in love” feeling only lasts about two years. I still feel that way about Dan! Maybe not quite as intensely, but there are times I look at him and still feel butterflies. After I kiss him good-night every night, I look at his sweet sleepy face and thank God that he’s my husband because I feel like the luckiest woman alive. Every night, I feel that way!
I agree and I still feel that way about Pearson too. I think for me what changed is that I don’t feel that way 24 hours per day. And really that change happened long before we were married. Probably because we dated 6 years before tying the knot. haha